15> Your only claim to fame ended when you found out that guy in the motel room wasn't really a director, but just a pizza delivery guy with a gold tooth, a camcorder, and a goat.
14> Your network vice-pres-- oh, I'm sorry... I'm not eligible for this one. I already HAVE a star.
13> Your greatest achievement to date? Twenty-seven arrests for public urination with no convictions. Oh, yeah... and Internet humor list contributor.
12> Appearances on 7-Eleven security cameras do not count as face time.
11> The committee frankly doesn't care about your record-setting wait in line for Episode 1.
10> The last time you were that close to wet cement, it involved "Tony the Fish" and the Hudson River.
9> You've already been given a gold star each time you completed the 28-day treatment program, Mr Downey.
8> In your last 87 roles, you've never been off of your knees.
7> Sure, Hollywood loves double-D breasts -- on a female.
6> "Starring role in a George Lucas movie" looks great on your resume, but the industry is oddly bereft of "Howard the Duck" nostalgia.
5> Your agent pitches you to studios as "the thinking man's Carrot Top."
4> Your one starring role was in a snuff film... and you couldn't even get *that* right, dammit!!!
3> That Ebert guy can't say your name without giggling.
2> You give your heart and soul to the industry, and all they ever talk about is "Vanna, Vanna, Vanna."
1> Dude, where's my star?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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