Thursday, 12 February 2015

The Procrastinator's Creed.

Comedy Joke Title:The Procrastinator's Creed.
Joke Description:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


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Movie dog

Comedy Joke Title:Movie dog
Joke Description:

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says:

"I?m sorry to bother you, but I couldn?t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don?t you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I find it very unusual... He hated the book!"


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Three little boys

Comedy Joke Title:Three little boys
Joke Description:

Three little boys went out to play in the snow and make snowmen.
The first boy came in after just a few minutes. His mother asked him if he
was finished with his snowman already. He answered that he had made a Superman
snow man and it was easy, because he just had to add a cape.
The second boy came in after about an hour, so his mother asked him why it
took him so long. He answered that he had made a Harry Potter snowman, and that
it took a while to find a pair of glasses.
The third boy was out in the yard all day; in fact, he missed dinner. When he
finally came in, it was after dark, and his mother asked why it had taken him so
long. He answered that he had made a president George W. Bush snowman and that
it had taken a lot longer than he thought to hollow out his head.


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Carrots and Peas

Comedy Joke Title:Carrots and Peas
Joke Description:

Confucius say one who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot is
unsanitary.


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A Nutty Game

Comedy Joke Title:A Nutty Game
Joke Description:

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down
nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause
and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well; he decided to go get a beer and a hot
dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked
what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by
and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''


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No wonder:

Comedy Joke Title:No wonder:
Joke Description:

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."


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Teenage Girl

Comedy Joke Title:Teenage Girl
Joke Description:

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.


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