Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Fun Things To Do at Church

Comedy Joke Title:Fun Things To Do at Church
Joke Description:

- Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say:
"If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

- A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled
sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".

- Put stray dogs in coat closets.

- Un-tune the piano.

- Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

- Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

- Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

- Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.

- Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or
crucified?" - Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

- Start a wave.

- Do cool things with the lighting.

- When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and
"Oliver Klozoff".

- Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

- When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they
gonna do another SONG?"

- Make up your own words to the songs.

- Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say:
"Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

- Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

- If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T
SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

- Dress all in black, or in camo. - Pierce the body of a tiny animal with
stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male,
wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

- If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching
shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

- At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that
you can see an image of Jesus.

- Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and
socks.

- Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first
mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

- Inflate balloons, then send them off.

- Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side
cartoons.

- Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in
asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

- Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

- Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

- During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what
you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over
65 million years ago."

- Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly
light them.

- Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen.

- Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how
good it is.

- When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper
with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

- Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick
them.

- Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

- Blow bubbles.

- Fake a possession.

- Distribute condoms.

- Speak in tongues.

- Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

- Drool in the collection plate.

- Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they
tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

- After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When
someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act
embarrassed.

- Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

- At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a
wristwatch embedded inside.

- Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones
depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the
pastor.

- Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the
church next Saturday at midnight.


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