Thursday, 12 February 2015

The Procrastinator's Creed.

Comedy Joke Title:The Procrastinator's Creed.
Joke Description:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


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Movie dog

Comedy Joke Title:Movie dog
Joke Description:

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says:

"I?m sorry to bother you, but I couldn?t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don?t you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I find it very unusual... He hated the book!"


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Three little boys

Comedy Joke Title:Three little boys
Joke Description:

Three little boys went out to play in the snow and make snowmen.
The first boy came in after just a few minutes. His mother asked him if he
was finished with his snowman already. He answered that he had made a Superman
snow man and it was easy, because he just had to add a cape.
The second boy came in after about an hour, so his mother asked him why it
took him so long. He answered that he had made a Harry Potter snowman, and that
it took a while to find a pair of glasses.
The third boy was out in the yard all day; in fact, he missed dinner. When he
finally came in, it was after dark, and his mother asked why it had taken him so
long. He answered that he had made a president George W. Bush snowman and that
it had taken a lot longer than he thought to hollow out his head.


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Carrots and Peas

Comedy Joke Title:Carrots and Peas
Joke Description:

Confucius say one who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot is
unsanitary.


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A Nutty Game

Comedy Joke Title:A Nutty Game
Joke Description:

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down
nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause
and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well; he decided to go get a beer and a hot
dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked
what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by
and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''


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No wonder:

Comedy Joke Title:No wonder:
Joke Description:

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."


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Teenage Girl

Comedy Joke Title:Teenage Girl
Joke Description:

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.


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Big Game Hunter

Comedy Joke Title:Big Game Hunter
Joke Description:

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone
about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good
shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he
could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could
tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the
bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers,
and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and
took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok."
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot
with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it
and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone
suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared
to do it again for another round.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and
they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk
of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said,
"Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle
was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more
curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again,
every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to
sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I
know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I
didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?" His
wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She
replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with
an ax!'"


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The dumb blonde and her used car!

Comedy Joke Title:The dumb blonde and her used car!
Joke Description:

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"


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Pillsberry Dough Boy

Comedy Joke Title:Pillsberry Dough Boy
Joke Description:

What do you get when the Pillsberry Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts!


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Buying arsenic

Comedy Joke Title:Buying arsenic
Joke Description:

A pharmacist tells a customer. In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.

A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.


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Run With Us

Comedy Joke Title:Run With Us
Joke Description:

One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.

He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. "Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!"

So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: "Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead."

So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. "Lion, lion," cries the rabbit, "Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead."

The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.

"No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry. "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!"

The lion replied, "Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin' forest when he's on speed!"


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Look Ma...

Comedy Joke Title:Look Ma...
Joke Description:

Larry says, "Look Ma, no hands!"

Larry says, "Look Ma, no feet!"

(Thud)

Larry says, "Wook Ma, mo teef!"


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Redneck's Logic

Comedy Joke Title:Redneck's Logic
Joke Description:

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"Fag! Queer!"


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A little ambiguity never hurt anyone....

Comedy Joke Title:A little ambiguity never hurt anyone....
Joke Description:

A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.


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The next one

Comedy Joke Title:The next one
Joke Description:

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown


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This is you asshole

Comedy Joke Title:This is you asshole
Joke Description:

there are three guys going to prison for 100 years.the judge says that if they can get 50 kids from a highschool to write down that they wont do anything bad like what the three men had done.
the first guy couldnt get anyone to sign.
the second one got 2 or 3 to sign
the third went and came back andsaid with confidence "i got all them fuckers to sign"
and the judge said how did you do that?
well i said o this is your asshole before you go to prison-0 this is your ass hole when you get out


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Quick thinking

Comedy Joke Title:Quick thinking
Joke Description:

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no, my wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis


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Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Redneck Census Guide

Comedy Joke Title:Redneck Census Guide
Joke Description:

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouse's

Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's

Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's

Name:______________________

Lover's

Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name:_______________________(If not sure,leave blank)

Father's Name:_______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of tooth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?


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No a Member

Comedy Joke Title:No a Member
Joke Description:

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."


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The switch

Comedy Joke Title:The switch
Joke Description:

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk.

As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field.

Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.

The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch.

After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her, "Well what happened?"

She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"

"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.

"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."

Farmer Brown said, "Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis


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The duck in the bar

Comedy Joke Title:The duck in the bar
Joke Description:

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"


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Tyson

Comedy Joke Title:Tyson
Joke Description:

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

They invented mace!


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3 Blondes Were Walking in the Forest

Comedy Joke Title:3 Blondes Were Walking in the Forest
Joke Description:

3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".

The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".

They were still arguing when the train hit them.


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Regularity

Comedy Joke Title:Regularity
Joke Description:

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you regular? Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30. Doctor: So, what's the problem? Woman: I don't get up untill 9:30.


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