Saturday, 31 January 2015

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:...

Comedy Joke Title:In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:...
Joke Description:

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.


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Women Pass Less Gas

Comedy Joke Title:Women Pass Less Gas
Joke Description:

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!


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The

Comedy Joke Title:The
Joke Description:

The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.


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Slow cop

Comedy Joke Title:Slow cop
Joke Description:

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 year old son.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo


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Pope joke

Comedy Joke Title:Pope joke
Joke Description:

do you know what the pope and a christmas tree have in common?there balls are for decoration only


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If builders built buildings the

Comedy Joke Title:If builders built buildings the
Joke Description:

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.


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Home on the Web

Comedy Joke Title:Home on the Web
Joke Description:

Home on the Web ----------------- (to the tune of "Home on the Range")
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right -- one that doesn't take too long to load -- where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen -- one that offers a "no-Java" mode.

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me!

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 -- My PC is way too darn old!

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me -- I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!


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Corny

Comedy Joke Title:Corny
Joke Description:

What did Baby Corn say to Momma
Corn?
Wheres Pop Corn?


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Dogs better than Men

Comedy Joke Title:Dogs better than Men
Joke Description:

How Dogs Are Better Than Men1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).7. You can train a dog.8. Dogs are easy to buy for.9. Dogs understand the word "no".10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


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You have ever come home

Comedy Joke Title:You have ever come home
Joke Description:

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.


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The Splice

Comedy Joke Title:The Splice
Joke Description:

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"


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Microsoft employees - lightbulb

Comedy Joke Title:Microsoft employees - lightbulb
Joke Description:

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

1003. Two to hold the ladder, one to screw the light bulb into a faucet, and 1000 to flood the internet with rumors about the upcoming faucet-bulb feature in the next version of Windows.


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Knock KnockWho's there?Gus!Gus who!Gus you

Comedy Joke Title:Knock KnockWho's there?Gus!Gus who!Gus you
Joke Description:

Knock KnockWho's there?Gus!Gus who!Gus you don't want to play?!


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Big Turkey Question

Comedy Joke Title:Big Turkey Question
Joke Description:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."


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On a roller coaster:...

Comedy Joke Title:On a roller coaster:...
Joke Description:

On a roller coaster:

"Watch your head."


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Skydiving

Comedy Joke Title:Skydiving
Joke Description:

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"


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History

Comedy Joke Title:History
Joke Description:

A lesson of history. The teacher ask the kids:
- Who took Bastilia?
No one answers. She gets angry and yells at them:
- You are going to tell me who took Bastilia!
Meanwhile the director of the school is passing by.
- Don'tcha get mad at them poor kids, they will play with it for a while and
put it back, your Bastilia!


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Mouse tattoo

Comedy Joke Title:Mouse tattoo
Joke Description:

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.

My pussy must have eaten it."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis


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Tough Night

Comedy Joke Title:Tough Night
Joke Description:

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


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Xbox and Jackson

Comedy Joke Title:Xbox and Jackson
Joke Description:

What does Michael Jackson and XBOX have in common?

Their both made of plastic and little kids both turn them on.


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One-liners for kids.

Comedy Joke Title:One-liners for kids.
Joke Description:

Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
A: A watchdog!

Q: Why do male deer need braces?
A: Because they have "buck teeth!"


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There is an English, Irish

Comedy Joke Title:There is an English, Irish
Joke Description:

There is an English, Irish and Scotsman on a plane flying over Europe. Suddenly
they are in the midst of a massive storm. Lightning rears it's ugly head and
strikes the planes wings. The plane begins its final spiraling decent towards
the ground.

At this point the pilot leaps out wearing the only parachute. This causes the
three terrified men do go down on their knees and pray like never before.

Just then the LORD appears....

"Your prayers have been answered! Since you have all been good christians
I give you one more chance at life! Jump from the plane and whatever you say
you shall become! So be it!"

And with that he was gone.

The Englishman ran for the exit and leapt out....

"A bird!" The Englishman turned into a beautiful Eagle and soared safely
towards the ground where he became a man again.

The Scotsman leapt out ....

"A....Parachute!" The Scotsman floated gently to the ground where he
returned
to normal form.

The Irish man ran towards the exit and tripped and stumbled head first out of
the plane...

"Shit..........."


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Catching a criminal

Comedy Joke Title:Catching a criminal
Joke Description:

"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them
starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other
policeman protests.

'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'

'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too,
don't he?'"


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dog man

Comedy Joke Title:dog man
Joke Description:

One day this man came from home very hungry. there was nothing
to eat but one can in the cupboard that had no label on it. he
said what the hell so he opened the can and started to eat it.
when the mans wife came home she saw him eating the can of food.
she said honey do you know that is dog food. he said no but it
is damn good go get some more. the man started eating the dog
food everyday. the woman being afraid it would hurt him went to
the doctor and asked the doctor if it wopuld hurt him. the
doctor said there were no chemicals in it that would hurt him so
she went home. then shje got to thinking and wanted to get
second opinion so she went to the minister of the church she
attended. the minister told her that the dog food would be the
death of the man.. she tried to get her husband to stop eating
the food. about two months later the man died and the doctor the
minister and the wife were talking. the doctor says i am sorry.
i thought for sure the food wouldnt kill him. the minister said
see i was right the food would kill him. she said no it wasnt
the food he was in the driveway licking his nuts and i ran him
over with the car.


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Dedicated geologists

Comedy Joke Title:Dedicated geologists
Joke Description:

Total immersion geologistsTotal immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs: 1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food. 2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?" "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?" 3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle. 4. You like rock music only because it's called "rock" music. 5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel. 6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on. 7. You name your children after rocks and minerals. 8. You're not sure if you have children. 9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.


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