Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Knock Knock 180

Comedy Joke Title:Knock Knock 180
Joke Description:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas you're here, lets tell some Knock Knock jokes!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuna!
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, three's a crowd!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!


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Firing Squad

Comedy Joke Title:Firing Squad
Joke Description:

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"


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Anti aircraft weapon

Comedy Joke Title:Anti aircraft weapon
Joke Description:

The USA blamed the Russian companies that they were supplying Bagdad with the elastic band for pants. Iraq engineers made the catapults of them and now Iraq soldiers are striking a blow to American air forces.


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Dirty Dishes!

Comedy Joke Title:Dirty Dishes!
Joke Description:

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"


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Walking On Water

Comedy Joke Title:Walking On Water
Joke Description:

Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution in
the seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
"Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says "Why don't you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?"


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Making cakes

Comedy Joke Title:Making cakes
Joke Description:

A mother and daughter were walking through the park one sunny afternoon. They passed a bench where two teenagers were making out. The daughter turns to her mother and asks

"What are they doing?"

The mother stutters and replies

"They are making cakes dear"

The next day the mother took the daughter to the zoo. They went to see the gorillas. When they got there the gorillas were shagging in the cage. Again the daughter turns to the mother and asks

"What are they doing?"

The mother is not as shocked and remembers what she had said to her daughter in the park.

"They are making cakes dear"

That night the mother and father got jiggy on the sofa. The next morning the daughter comes into the kitchen and asks her mother

"Mum, were you and dad making cakes on the sofa last night?"

The mother was very embarrassed and turn to her daughter and said

"Why dear?"

To that the daughter replied

"Because i just licked the icing off of the sofa"


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Tounge twister's for the BEST

Comedy Joke Title:Tounge twister's for the BEST
Joke Description:

these tounge twisters are the worst
try saying them asfast as you can 5 times these might even be
the shortest...

The Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick

can you do it ?
now try this one.....

Swan swam over the sea,
swim,swan,swim.
swan swam back again,
well swum swan.

betcha cant do it pass it on if you really like them


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Camping Continued ...

Comedy Joke Title:Camping Continued ...
Joke Description:

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"

"Hewlett."

"Hewlett who?"

"Who let all of these mosquitos in!!"


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The Devil Made Me Do It!

Comedy Joke Title:The Devil Made Me Do It!
Joke Description:

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of
light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large
"BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red
figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling
each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great
glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging
comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"


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Hunting

Comedy Joke Title:Hunting
Joke Description:

Two people go hunting.One shoots a bow arrow in a deer.He says,"Sit down and wait here and don't make a sound".So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man findsthe deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down. he says "Why did you scream"? The other man says" I did not scream when a snake bit me butI did scream when two chipmanks ran up my pantlag and said"Should we eat them here or take them home".


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Top 4 Fun Things To Do On a Road Trip

Comedy Joke Title:Top 4 Fun Things To Do On a Road Trip
Joke Description:

4. Go into a gas station angry. Insist that you were there an
hour ago and the clerk gave you bad directions.

3. Pull up beside another motorist. Leaving your window up, yell
and motion at the motorist that there is air in their tires.
Look very concerned.

2. Pick up a hitchhiker. Claim that you know who he is and that
you will not let the FBI find him. Mumble something about taking
him to a safe place in the desert where nobody can find him.

1. Pull up beside someone. Have your passenger splash ketchup on
his window, slam his head against it, and slowly slide his head
down the window.


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Relativity

Comedy Joke Title:Relativity
Joke Description:

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.


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Bin Laden goes to a Psychic

Comedy Joke Title:Bin Laden goes to a Psychic
Joke Description:

Bin Laden goes to a psychic and asks her "When will I die?" She
tells him that he will die on an American Hoilday. "Oh No! Which
hoilday?!" The psychic says, "When you die, it will be an
american Hoilday."


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An Irish priest and a Rabbi

Comedy Joke Title:An Irish priest and a Rabbi
Joke Description:

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"


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whats long black and smelly?...

Comedy Joke Title:whats long black and smelly?...
Joke Description:

whats long black and smelly?

the welfare queue


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Your momma so poor

Comedy Joke Title:Your momma so poor
Joke Description:

your momma so poor when she went to kfc she ordered the bucket on th roof


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Measuring on the job

Comedy Joke Title:Measuring on the job
Joke Description:

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".


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With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Comedy Joke Title:With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Joke Description:

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)


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Run Through the Rain

Comedy Joke Title:Run Through the Rain
Joke Description:

She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful, brown haired,
freckled-faced image of innocence. Her mom looked like someone
from the Walton's or a moment captured by Norman Rockwell. Not
that she was old-fashioned. Her brown hair was ear length with
enough curl to appear natural. She had on a pair of tan shorts
and light blue knit shirt. Her sneakers were white with a blue
trim. She looked like a mom.

It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the
tops of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has
no time to flow down the spout. Drains in the nearby parking lot
were filled to capacity and some were blocked so that huge
puddles laked around parked cars. We all stood there under the
awning and just inside the door of the Walmart. We waited, some
patiently, others aggravated because nature messed up their
hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rain fall. I get lost in the sound and
sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the
world.

Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come
pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. Her
voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all
caught in.

"Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.
"Let's run through the rain!" she repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated her
statement.
"Mom. Let's run through the rain."
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the
young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and
not get wet?"
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to daddy about his
cancer, you said, "If God can get us through this, He can get us
through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear, you couldn't hear
anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or
left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a
moment about what she would say.

Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some
might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of
affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust
can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If
God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom
said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing
as they darted past the cars and yes through the puddles. They
held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got
soaked. But they were followed by a few believers who screamed
and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

Perhaps inspired by their faith and trust. I want to believe
that somewhere down the road in life, mom will find herself
reflecting back on moments they spent together, captured like
pictures in the scrapbook of her cherished memories.

Maybe when she watches proudly as her daughter graduates. Or as
her daddy walks her down the aisle on her wedding day. She will
laugh again. Her heart will beat a little faster. Her smile will
tell the world they love each other.

But only two people will share that precious moment when they
ran through the rain believing that God would get them through.
And, yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.


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Signs you have a hangover

Comedy Joke Title:Signs you have a hangover
Joke Description:

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to
"stay still?.

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a
glass of fresh paint.

You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible
praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up, and
give it whirl!"

All day long your motto is, "Never again?.

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to "Good morning?, is "Shut up!"


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The World's Shortest Books

Comedy Joke Title:The World's Shortest Books
Joke Description:

25. "My plan to find the real killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To all the men I've loved before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion


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Trouble

Comedy Joke Title:Trouble
Joke Description:

A man was reading the paper one day when an ad cought his eye.
it said, "Brand new Porsche, red with white leather interior for
sale only 100 dollars." The man thought to himself its very
unusual to find a Porsche for sale for only 100 dollars but he
decided it was worth a shot. Sure enough the lady had the
Porsche for sale for only 100 dollars and it was almost new. He
asked if he could take it for a test drive and found the the car
drove perfectly. He went back to the lady's house and asked why
she was selling the car for so little money. She said, "My
husband ran away with his secretary and said that I could keep
everything. I just had to sell his car and give the mouney to
him."


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SUPERPUSSY

Comedy Joke Title:SUPERPUSSY
Joke Description:

One day at a nursing home,an elderly woman ran into the T.V. room, pulled up her skirt and exposed herself and yelled SUPERPUSSY. She then ran into the activity room and exposed herself agan and yelled SUPERPUSSY. She then ran into the dining room where a 95 year old man was about to be served his supper,jumped up on the table directly in front of him and exposed herself once more yelling SUPERPUSSY.The old man took one look and replied,i will have the soup!


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M&M Penis

Comedy Joke Title:M&M Penis
Joke Description:

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican all want to go out with
this girl. The guys find out the the girls dad is the devil, so
they ask him what they should do to be worthy of going out with
his daughter.

The devil tells them all to take down their pants, so they do.
The devil goes up to the white man and grabs his penis. The
penis immidiatley melts and the guy runs away yelling.

The devil goes up to the Mexican man and grabs his penis. And
like the other guys, it melts and he runs away yelling.

The devil now walks up to the black man and grabs his penis.
Nothing happens. The devil looks up at the man in bewilderment.
The black man replies, "Melts in your mouth, not in you hands!"


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Winnie the What?

Comedy Joke Title:Winnie the What?
Joke Description:

On a little boys first day of kindergarden his grandpa was
driving him to school. They passed a field of cows and the
little boy said, "Look grandpa, moo moos." His grandpa said,
"You're going to kindergarden now, you have to talk like a big
boy. Those are cows." "Okay grandpa, cows."

A few minutes later they drove past a train and the little boy
said, "Look grandpa choo choo." And the grandpa said, "What did
I tell you. You have to talk like a big boy now. That's a
train." "Okay grandpa, train."

Later that day when the little boy got home from school the
grandpa asked, "What did you do in school today?" And the boy
said, "Well we fingerpainted, played with the blocks, had nap
and the teacher read us a story about Winnie The Shit."


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